Asking Eric: Sibling rivalry results in $20k ‘bill’ to parents

Dear Eric My husband and I have been married for years He has two adult sons in their s and I have an adult daughter in her s Over the years we have helped one son who has two children and my daughter who has one child while they were going through divorces with large sums of money in order for them to keep their houses We have contributed to all three grandkids with college funds The other son has never married has no children owns his own condo and has a good-paying job and spends all of it on whatever he fancies He has a longtime girlfriend who supports herself She stays with him a day or two a week He feels that we should gift him the same amount of money that we have given the other two children which would be more than Financially we could do it but we are and and are concerned about future medical issues or other unanticipated issues that may arise What should we do Unsure About the Future Dear Unsure Your son is trying to treat an emotional quandary as if it s a ledger that demands balancing Your generosity to his siblings in times of need has nothing to do with him But as siblings are wont to do it s not surprising that he s comparing their lives to his and asking for fairness This isn t the same as a parent bringing two young children home a tasty treat from a business trip and neglecting a third And even though it may feel to him like he s getting the short end of the stick his feelings are his responsibility He s not owed this money And it s not because he can afford to do without it It s because it s not his money It s yours What is unfair and shortsighted is his request that you give him a sum of money large enough to potentially destabilize your lives should your robustness decline or you need more extensive care as you age This stability demands to be the priority Tell him that you have concerns about the future and before he can further decide what you re going to do with your money tell him that you re working with a financial adviser and or estate planner to provide for yourselves and eventually for him And then do in fact seek out the advice of a professional for now for later and for after you re gone As you make decisions about your estate you can share that information with your children if you want This may help them to manage their expectations and emotions You can be transparent about your thought process But if your son is keeping tabs on what checks you ve written to his siblings that s not a matter you are responsible for fixing Dear Eric I not long ago hired a painter who I ve hired before He reported me to text him my colors and he collected the paint from the paint store I was home while he painted and noticed that the name of the ceiling paint was different from what I demanded for but I understand that names can change I liked the color so I didn t think much about it But for the walls of a bedroom the paint color was clearly wrong and I hate the look of it now I didn t see the final work until it was done I demanded if this was the color I ordered and he noted yes I paid off the contract and he left Then I went to stow the paint cans in the garage and realized that the ceiling paint and the bedroom wall paint were each wrong Their codes were one digit off from what I veritably desired When I sought him about it he stated the paint store gave him the wrong paint and admitted that he didn t check the cans Who s ultimately at fault here I feel like I am since I m the project owner But I admit I am rankled at having to eat the cost of having the room repainted as it will likely cost me Related Articles Asking Eric After health miracle daughter is angry about mom s journey Asking Eric Father-in-law and life coach interfere with marriage Asking Eric Divorced daughter moved back in but won t move on Asking Eric Intergenerational work besties get stink eye from other friends Asking Eric Daughter refuses to cash check Is this just a live and learn situation The paint store and painter bear no responsibility here The painter s contract has no verbiage about liability for errors of any kind Painted Over Dear Painted Over He should have checked the product he was receiving before he left the store The store is at fault for giving him the wrong code if they were the ones who mistyped and not him But part of providing good organization is making sure that you ve got the right tools Sometimes mistakes can t be painted over but in this matter they literally can He should have offered to fix his mistake if not for free then for a discount Send questions to R Eric Thomas at eric askingeric com or P O Box Philadelphia PA Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas com