Asking Eric: Widowed mother-in-law wants to bring new beau for holidays

Dear Eric My mother-in-law Dana was married for years before her husband passed six years ago She still visits us frequently When she does she stays at either our house or one of my husband s sister s homes Within the last six months my MIL began dating another senior gentleman Peter Apparently Dana and Peter knew each other in high school and of late reconnected As of this writing only the two sisters have met Peter Now there is discussion of the Thanksgiving holiday Dana would like to bring Peter to meet the rest of the family and she s upset because there are conflicting opinions on where she and Peter should stay I advised my husband I would not feel confident hosting my MIL and her boyfriend in our home over the holiday weekend We only have one guest room Equally I think my sisters-in-law feel the same My nephew disclosed he does not like the idea of someone not his grandfather staying in their home at all especially a holiday break Again I m not in disagreement Meanwhile Dana is upset because she feels no one is giving Peter a chance I suggested that Dana and Peter stay at a hotel but Dana feels that we should be more accommodating to her and Peter especially since they will be traveling to our area via train and neither will have local transportation I feel it s a lot to ask to include someone else who is essentially a stranger to us in our homes I m sure Peter is a nice man and my MIL enjoys his company but am I or my sisters-in-law being unreasonable Crowded House Dear House Your home your rules your comfort level However it would be helpful for everyone involved to consider Dana s position here as well Six years after going through the grief and disruption of her husband s death she s ascertained new companionship which can be wonderful but also has its own challenges This is new territory for her as well as for you There are bound to be selected hiccups Much of the letter was focused on Peter being a stranger And I acknowledge that is a hurdle maybe an insurmountable one But I wonder if Peter is really who everyone is thinking about here or if this is more about holding a space for Dana s first husband Peter s presence doesn t displace Dana s first husband in the family structure nor I presume in her heart She has to understand that everyone grieves and adjusts in their own way But everyone else has to understand that Dana is still alive and this relationship is part of her life now If the unmarried grandchildren in your family aren t allowed to bring home important others to stay in the same room then explain to Dana that this strategy has to be universally applied However if that s not the affair don t make her the victim of a double standard See if there s a time between now and Thanksgiving that she can bring Peter down to meet you casually That will make him less of a stranger Dear Eric When my dad passed away with my mother already gone it took my brother seven years to settle his estate He was living in dad s house and not in any hurry I spoke to him several times trying to encourage him to get it done But nothing worked So I certainly got a lawyer s help It worked and now he will not talk to me Was I wrong in thinking it took too long Estate Dilemma Related Articles Asking Eric Friend s complex necessities strain friendship Asking Eric Neighbors yard feature ruins view Asking Eric Perfect husband refuses intimacy Asking Eric Lifelong loner struggles to make connections post-retirement Asking Eric Friends disrupt concert outings by talking Dear Estate Seven years is too long especially if as it sounds your brother hadn t even started It would be one thing if the estate was complicated in several way and the process got caught up in legal red tape But that doesn t seem to be the incident here People process death and the legal requirements around it in different strategies There is no standard timetable for grief for instance nor should there be So it s helpful to approach loved ones with grace and compassion But if I m reading between the lines in your letter correctly it also sounds like your brother s delay may have been intentional and more focused on keeping the house This isn t fair His feelings may be bruised or he may be smarting from getting caught But those feelings are his to work through You did the right thing by involving a third party with no personal stake in the process beyond the fee and expertise in the field While there is obviously a personal impact to the settling of an estate this didn t need to be a personal conflict By seeking help you did your best to keep it a legal matter which is what should be Send questions to R Eric Thomas at eric askingeric com or P O Box Philadelphia PA Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas com